I sit here at the bar at 1:30 PM smoking my cigarette until my lungs are filled with this black, poisonous smoke they call You. “I wonder why people smoke?” that is what you usually ask when you smoke your Winston Lights, sometimes Reds, with me. I also wonder why you look so handsome when you smoke.
I sit here at the bar at 1:30 PM drinking a bottle of Mule and thinking about how you love me and adore me when you’re drunk. “I wonder why people drink?” that is what you usually ask when you drink your bottle of Red Horse Beer with me at the bar at 11:30 AM the first time we met. I also wonder why you look so handsome when you drink.
I sit here at the bar thinking about you, wondering if somehow I’m in your thoughts too. Sometimes I wonder why I fell so much in love with you. Maybe it’s your hair or maybe your face. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
I watch the world around me as it turns around. Of all the women in the universe, I am so lucky because I belong to you. You who make my whole day complete. The one that melts me every time you stare deep into my eyes. The one that brings life to my soul. You who make my heart beat then take my breath away. I watch the people pass me by and I realize how lucky I am to share my whole world and life with you.
I open another bottle of this god-forsaken Mule and I imagine drinking you down my throat and filling me with your sweetness and soothing sensation, imagining you completing every part of me—“you complete me.”
I look at the pictures hanging across the bar and I realize I have never loved anybody as much as I love you. The way you touch me and make me feel whole. The way you gently touch my lips with your bubble gum lips and slowly slide your love within my whole being and make me fall in love with you more and more. Your simple way of making me smile is more than enough for me. Knowing that somehow your happiness is to be by my side makes me feel more than perfect.
I sit here at the bar and I find myself staring at someone’s face and I suddenly imagine he was you. Your beautiful face so perfect and so delicate. Your teary, brown, round eyes that sweep me off my feet. Your ears that listen to me when I talk about life, love and death. Your red rose lips that I could not resist to kiss. Your face that I want to touch and feel with my own. Your hair that I love to hold. Your arms where I want to be forever. Then you slowly leave and fade away. I am just sitting here, staring at a strangers’ eyes and I realize I am alone again sitting in this bar, drinking and smoking.
I, loving you. You, loving I’m not quite sure who. Maybe me, maybe another. But the again maybe me or just another bunch of maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Head on the table, beer on the side, cigarettes on the floor. I sit here at the bar at I don’t know what time but I know it’s late. Starting to stare and think about what happened. It suddenly came to mind that I can’t remember. The only thing that swims in my drunk head and in my broken heart is the thought of how my life was almost complete: because I was loving you.
- MJ - 2002 -
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