The hotel room was so cold. The bed was covered in white sheets and they made me feel like I was in a hospital room. It felt more like I was in a morgue. Everything was sealed to the very last detail and I was choking. My hands were sweating and I could not breathe. I lay down on my bed, holding my chest and I could feel my heart beating so fast a stethoscope would make a nurse deaf. The television was on and the movie was intriguing. I think you would like this movie. My food on the table was already freezing because of my eating problem: I do not eat. But the doughnuts seem to be fine inside their box. I stood up and started walking. I grabbed a bottle of water and drank everything but I still could not breathe. I took deep breaths but every air I take felt like thorns pouring into my lungs.
Is it just me or am I really nervous? I have not seen you in a few days but I miss you badly. We just watched a movie a few nights back but I feel like I have not been with you for months now. You seem to have disappeared somewhere, and I cannot see you even if you are standing right beside me. But tonight might be different.
I took refuge in this room to get well and take care of myself but I missed you, so I asked you to come over. It is 4AM but we both know I only wake up at night; that is when my heart beats and that is when you are drunk. You just came from a wedding somewhere and you said you could still pass by before you go home. I was excited but I had this feeling that things will be the way they always were: you sitting next to me, me trying to start all sorts of conversation; you looking everywhere except in my direction, me trying to reach out to you but frightened it might hurt.
There was a knock on my door. I knew t was you but I cannot seem to make myself believe it was really you. I opened the door and there you were, looking beautiful as always. I wanted you so much to be sober but the color of your eyes tells me you are not. You would not be here if you are not drunk. I asked you to come in, and so you did. I sat on the couch and you sat so close to me I could smell the alcohol, I could feel your scent and it made all the heartaches okay.
You started to whisper conversations I would soon forget. You said you’re starting to feel sleepy. No, you whispered that you feel sleepy as if someone might wake up if you speak louder. I whispered back. I whispered because I might wake you up and your drunkenness might disappear.
You have always known that I love being with you when you’re drunk. You always touch me when you are. I watched you rest your head on the wall. I wanted so much to reach out for you, and so I did. I wrapped my arms around your shoulder and you rested your head on mine. You reached out for my hand which was resting on your lap and you locked them around your fingers. I finally found you. I finally found the you that was missing for months now and I am happy.
“Stay with me”. I whispered this to you while I was holding you so close to me. Stay with me now and don’t go. Sleep beside me and don’t go. I have not reached your lips yet but this was perfect. This was intimate: our face touched each other as if sliding a silk blanket on your skin only sweeter, our lips breathing into each other’s ears whispering sweet words I never thought I would ever hear from you again. Stay with me tonight and don’t go. I cannot bear to lose this moment again. I may not be able to hold you like this once more. Stay with me. Just, stay here, with me.
We have been seeing each other for months now but we’re not a couple. We do not have any commitment, only a promise which is not a promise at all. It was my love for you that kept me holding on and it is the only thing, I think, that makes you stay. We have been more intimate than this before but we never made love.
My hand slides on your chest and I can feel your heartbeat. A heart that beats too fast not because of love but I keep pretending it is. I kiss your heartbeat and I can feel your arms around me. I climbed and caressed your neck with my loving hands and I wrapped myself around you. I tried to hide myself inside your embrace and force myself not to cry. I made love with your kisses that was too sweet and empty with lust. I painted my hands on your face and I kissed every part of you that I love.
I love you, my perfect dream come true, but I was so afraid to tell you that I do. My love might ruin this moment and distract our bodies from its intimacy. The comfort of your embrace and the taste of your lips is what I have been craving for. Just the picture of your shirt sliding down to the floor is the ecstasy I needed most. Just the realization of my loneliness without you makes this situation more fabulous than fireworks on the Fourth of July.
I do not want this to end bur the sun outside the window is creeping in. I wish to run and cover the glass with heavy, dark-colored drapes so that the sun will not disturb your drunkenness. But I hesitate. I would rather stay like this, locked around your arms, than waste those moments just because I wished for darkness. You would be leaving any way. It had been our routine: your night was for loving me and your morning was for the morning, the morning when all the love of the previous night is all but forgotten, the morning when your voice is but a voice, when your hand is but a hand, when your lips is just a lips, when your arms are just those arms. The morning is when I want to fall asleep and dream of you.
But before the blue skies take you away from me: your voice is such a voice that whispers music of love and admiration, your voice is a fresh air from a sea shell where mermaids whisper words of endless love and endless swim in a deep, blue sea. Before blue skies your hands are blankets of Egyptian silk that slides around me with too much love and caress, your hands are my source of protection and warmth from the cold whispers of dawn.
Before blue skies your lips is a sweet candy that melts with mine, your lips are pillows of cotton that rains a shower of kisses on my skin and, though rain feels cold, your raindrops of kisses are warmth to my shivering body.
Before blue skies your arms are wrapped around me as if you’re never letting go, your arms make my heart get used to it as its protection from pain, in your arms I search and run for the embrace that makes me feel right at home.
You are my home. And home is always where the heart is.
After the kisses, after the warm embraces, after the promise of love and waiting and never leaving, I still asked you to stay though I know you never would. Maybe there is someone else waiting for you somewhere, someone who owns your heart; but then you said that there is no one else. Yes, there really is no one else, not even me.
I rested my head on your chest and I could feel your heart beating so fast as if we really made love but we never did, and maybe never will. I stayed there as if I could lie exactly like this, in your arms, forever. But I just savored this moment because I know the sun is just moments from shining. I want so much to cry in your embrace. To beg you to please love me and stay. All you gave me were promises that you will never leave, that we just need to sit and wait for the right moment.
And so I say goodnight to you and to the sun. we embraced each other and I hate to let go. I forced myself to step back and hide under my pillows and my blanket. I say goodnight to you and to your drunk heart. I say goodbye to your sweet kisses and tight embraces. I say goodbye to your hands, to your eyes, to your lips, to your heart. I say goodbye because I always know that the magick of the sunrise takes them to places I shall never be allowed to visit nor own.
I watched you walk slowly to the door as if someone will wake up if you moved too fast. You looked at me one more time before you leave and shut the door. I will never forget that look: that look of your drunk eyes loving me so much. I whispered my goodbye and goodnight to you as you walk away. I blew a kiss, a kiss that meant one thing: I love you.
I seek refuge once more under the white, silk blanket and I cried. I felt the rays of the sun reflected on my bed sheet, my pillow, and especially on the blanket I was hiding in. I cried and cried because when you wake up after your nights’ sleep, you will forget about this night. You will forget that for a few hours we were intimate once more. You will forget that you embraced me like you never embraced anyone before, that you kissed me if you have never been kissed.
The morning. I love the morning. She makes me treasure every sweet evening when I am wrapped around your arms.
I love the blue sky that I glance from the hotel window because it reminds me of the pain I feel knowing that I love you too much and all I can do is wait. Wait for you and for the moonlight that shines on you so that you could love me too.
- MJ - 2003 -
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